I started another blog. It’s called A Cup of Chai. I’ve been wanting to create a space where I could post thoughts and inisghts gleened from Scripture. I thought this might be a good forum to do that.
I only have one post so far, but hope to have more soon. Feel free to stop over there anyt ime you like. And if you’d like to participate in it, let me know and I’ll add you on as a member.
I recently ran across A Disciples Journal. Lon hasn’t posted in a while, but his last one, October 31st, had some insight I wish all of us could gain.
There’s more to say about this, but it’ll have to wait till I have some time…. In the meantime, read, enjoy, and perhaps even visit his blog.
On a more deeper and personal note… Yvz and I have been having some ‘soul talk’ and been realizing some more subtle condemning attitudes that we have. These dispositions are so challenging because they are so deep rooted and easily disguised as a genuine desire for good. For me, I’ve come to realize that I am designed and built my life around a lens of hope and goodness. Which isn’t a bad thing, but when I encounter those who are disheartened, or perceived as having lost hope, I have a hard time allowing them to be as they are. What got me was the conviction that some people might be able to sense a level of disappointment within me about who they are as a person… and that’s flat out wrong and needs to change.
What gets to me even more is how a person of hope and confidence in God such as myself, could ever feel a loss of hope in people? Something that came out while I was speaking Friday was that – if God believes in us, more than we could ever believe in him. Maybe we need to believe in people, more than they believe in themselves.
Of all people, followers of Jesus should be speakers of truth and hope to all humanity.
What is going on with me these days?
I used to have a great deal of patience and understanding when people used trite sayings and phrases to express an idea. Now I have none. Absolutely none. I’m tired of the lack of authenticity I see. My experience with God is so opposite from it. My experiences with my closest friends are so opposite. So when I experience it from other believers who say they are following hard after Christ, I… I just can’t deal with it. It’s like having a pebble in my shoe. I want to confront it and get rid of it.
I just wish people would be real.
I passed so many churches this weekend with some variation “Have an Attitude of Gratitude” on their signs. Do people really believe that such a trite saying written on some sign is really going to transform someone’s heart? That someone’s going to see that sign and have a sudden epiphany, “omigosh! I forgot to put on my gratitude today.” Paleeze.
I saw a book for sale at LifeWay today called, “It’s Not About Me.” I just rolled my eyes and thought, ‘here we go again.’
Tonight, while I was on my cell phone with one of my best friends, another friend left me a message on my voicemail reiterating some trite things they’d previously said. I know my friend means well, but… dang, so many times he sounds so fake. Its those trite sayings, those Scripture passages used in place of real feelings and thoughts, those Christian phrases people say as a means to avoid having to dig into their own spirit and soul for words and truth.
And it all comes so naturally. We don’t have to think about it. Trite sayings have crept into every aspect of our lives. Think back over the last day. When someone asked you how you were, did you answer truthfully, or did you give the standard and expected “fine”? When was the last time you actually meant “bless you” when you responded to someone’s sneeze?
Every day is filled with dozens upon dozens of banal, overused, unmeant, rote phrases we volley to each other over and over. Christians are especially notorious for this. With all our Praise-the-Lord!-I’m-just-a-sinner-saved-by-grace-God-is-good-life-with-Jesus-is-sweet-I’m-just-a-vessel saccharine crap, it’s no wonder the world finds Jesus distasteful. Who wants to join a revolution full of fakers? Or worse, one full of perfect people? Who could keep up with that? I couldn’t.
I used to be able to tolerate all this stuff. I felt people meant well for the most part, and was willing to overlook the fact that their words sounded insincere because, “their heart was still in the right place.” Besides, they probably didn’t realize how their words came across.
I still believe that to be true. But my tolerance level has shrunk to zero. I don’t know why, exactly.
Perhaps that’s what depression does to you. The rose-colored glasses get yanked off and ground under foot. Once that happens you see the world in a less-flattering light. Perhaps a more realistic light. People are taken at face, and word, value.
What we say, and how we say it, reflects who we are. Whether true — and truly meant — or not, words have a powerful impact on others, both on their own outlook and on their opinion of the speaker. For better or worse, our words leave a mark on every listener.
God help me! Keep me silent unless You need me to speak. And help me find my patience, which I seem to have mislaid… or give me the courage to speak boldly and gently. Let the marks my words leave be ones of healing, hope and love!
God’s gifts and God’s call are under full warranty — never canceled, never rescinded. — Romans 11:29
This morning at Nina’s church I felt familiar pangs of longing. But this time was different from the last year. This time there was hope in my spirit.
I never realized how much I longed to be a missionary until I gave it up to spend a season at home seeking healing and wholeness. In the months after my resignation, I wept and mourned bitterly over what I had lost. It felt as if a significant piece of me had died. And with it, my hope in the future.
The door is open for me to go back at any time. And I’ve purposely structured my current work and life with the church plant in Nashville so that I keep that possibility alive.
I feel very strongly that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. And with my struggle with depression and current walk through grief, not to mention the pain of my first full year overseas, it has been hard for me to think far enough into the future to see myself going again overseas.
Yet… I cannot deny the pull on my heart. I cannot deny how my heart breaks for the world every day. I cannot deny how I seem to daily spot out of a crowd the various nationalities and cultures I see represented. I cannot deny how excited I feel, how my pulse races and my very spirit is inflamed when I think about building bridges between cultures, helping followers of Christ understand various worldviews and spot the God-moments in them, encouraging and developing in others an appreciation, even a passion, for learning about other cultures, interacting with them and building lasting relationships with people of other cultures and religions!
When I look at a map, I don’t see lines and countries. I see people. People of various ethnic groups and religions, with struggles and victories, convictions and fears, beliefs and needs. When I look at a map I think of the food the people eat, the weather they endure, the clothes they wear and the lives they lead. I wonder if they fear the same things I do, if they struggle with the same issues, if they long for the same things… I am in love with all the people I have met in my life, from Japan to Ethiopia, from India to Cyprus. Amazing people. Resilient, robust, beautiful, inquisitive, questioning, apathetic… they came in every size, shape and possibility. I remember each fondly, for who they are and what they taught me about life.
I don’t envy my friends overseas. I have lived that life and I know the sacrifices they make every day so that others may know Jesus the way we do. I admit, I love being able to drive on the right side of the road, read all the signs around me, communicate fluently with everyone I meet as I go about my daily routines (even if the accent throws me off many times). I love having an American style apartment with all its amenities, like consistent electricity, heat and a/c, hot water, shower heads and a western toilet. 🙂
Yet… Thanksgiving night, driving home from Toby’s sister’s home, my mind went unbidden to MLC (a learning center for Overseas Workers in Virginia), and I wondered how they had celebrated Thanksgiving. If they were giving the new crop of Workers a true taste of what celebrating Thanksgiving in a foreign country is really like. I spent Thanksgiving 2002 in Ethiopia. I saw first-hand how much we as Americans have to be thankful for. At the same time, I missed my family terribly. I was thankful, yet my heart was heavy. That’s part of the holiday experience for a missionary.
All weekend I have wrestled off and on with a sense of longing. One that I’ve never been able to fully identify. One I thought I’d categorized as a desire to be a missionary, to be “on mission” with God.
Perhaps that is what the longing is. But I don’t think it’s all it is. I just don’t know right now…
This morning’s message from Nina’s pastor, Jeff, continued to stir that longing, bringing the pangs so strong they continue to resonate in my soul. This overseas “thing” just will not let go of me.
What is my role in it? There was a time when I believed I was a “Mobilizer”. Then I thought I was a “Goer”. But I’ve done gone and come back… now what am I??
As Jeff preached and I contemplated, God whispered, “My gifts and My call are irrevocable…. they still apply to your life… you’re still a part of what I’m doing in the world… And, there’s time yet…”
Hope.
I’m off to South Carolina tomorrow morning! Yay!! 6-day weekend… cool. 🙂 Except I don’t get paid… not so cool.
I’m so looking forward to the drive tomorrow. The mountains of Tennessee/Carolinas are so amazing!
But I’m most looking forward to the time with Nina… and Toby and Stephen.
I may or may not have time to post while there… I don’t know yet. Nina and I always manage to fill our days up solid. And it sounds like she’s got a lot planned already. I do have one plan for Nina, though. She commented on my blog recently (check it out) and now she’s got a blogspot account. Oh, yeah, baby! You know I gotta get her hooked up with it! Hey, I got Wendy and Larry here… why not my sister! Besides, she owes me a obsession or two. She’s the one who got me deep into Creative Memories. So deep I’m considering becoming a Creative Memories consultant. Crazy…
Well, I need to finish packing and get ready to go.
I pray you have an incredible Thanksgiving. And a fun-filled weekend, packed with the stuff memories are made of.
Nina and Lu – Big sis & little sis…
Well, actually, Pooped-Out-Quittin’-Time-Girl. I accomplished absolutely nothing on my own To-Do list. But I somehow managed to get all of Kerry’s To-Do list for me done. Whew. At least I can leave the office for the Holiday weekend knowing I’ve done all I could in the time I had. That’s a good feeling.
I was talking with Kat last night about work and realized that working for Kerry is a lot like working for Ken W. at PHE (Paramount Home Entertainment). Ken was probably the best boss I ever had (aside from my dad, who was my first boss). He was very laid back, quiet kind of guy — a Mormon, so he never cussed. Heck, Ken never got angry. He’d get frustrated at times, but even that was low-key. He never had the screaming cussing fits most senior executives in the entertainment industry have. Laid back, low-key, wicked, wicked sense of humor — we used to have cola wars over the AmTel machine (he was a Pepsi man; Me, I’m a Coke girl!) What a blessing he was as a boss!
On top of that, he answered his own phones. WooHoo!! You wanna win me over as a fan, and have me as an employee forever? Answer your own phones. I hate answering phones. It’s more the disruption of what I’m doing that gets me frustrated than it is the interaction. I don’t mind talking to people, I just hate having to stop what I’m doing and change my focus to what they — that disembodied voice on the other end — wants me to focus on. It can be especially annoying when I’m working on a project that requires concentration.
Anyway, Kerry is very similar to Ken in most ways. The exception is that Kerry is not as laid back as Ken. Nothing seemed to rattle Ken, or shake his confidence that the world wasn’t going to fall apart if Eric’s (the President of the PHE) every demand wasn’t met. And that was a tall order considering Eric was your typical Type-A, neurotic, overly needy industry senior executive. Yikes this guy was uptight.
Kerry has some of Eric’s uptight-ness. Not a lot of it –and he’s in no way close to Eric! But it’s there nonetheless. That sense you get when the exec is just too burned out to think straight anymore. And no wonder. The guy’s been through hell this last year, for a variety of reasons. He really needs a long vacation away from any sort of communications devices. I doubt he’ll get it. Or take it if he did. But he needs it.
Other than his tightly wound springs, Kerry could be Ken’s twin… Smart, hard working, respectful, kind, generous… I think he’s got Ken’s sense of humor too, but it’s taking a little time for him to feel comfortable enough with me to let it out. Or maybe I’m just a little too on the weird side for him. Which is entirely possible. My sensahumah ain’t for everybody. I discovered that truth the hard way…
The other thing they both share is the respect and esteem they give me. Ken would often ask my opinion on things, and he actually listened to me and took my opinions and thoughts seriously. Do you know how rare that is?? Let me tell you, it doesn’t come along but once, maybe twice in a career for an executive assistant. And Kerry treats me in the same manner. He actually seems to value my opinion, wants and seeks out my thoughts and ideas. Very rare. And very cool.
I know I have good stuff, quality stuff to offer the world. Not to everyone, I realize. At least not at first. I couldn’t tell Larry how to improve his sand sculptures in a million years. But let me get down in the sand and work with him on a dozen or so and I can pretty much guarantee that I’d have suggestions and thoughts and ideas. Would he listen to me, even though he’s been doing it for 24 years and I’d been there only a few months? I think he would. Because he’s my friend.
But it’s a different story when you’re digging in the sand with your boss. They tend to be, well… bossy. 🙂 They have their ideas, their ways, their wants and desires, and I’ve learned that to have a “happy” workplace I must make the boss happy, regardless of how I feel about the matter.
And that’s really as it should be. It’s his name on the line, after all, not mine. At the end of the day, I go home and that’s that. At the end of Kerry’s day he’s still carrying around the multiple crosses he’s been given by the president. It’s the price he pays for the VP title. And he gets the wages as compensation. Personally speaking, I think I’d rather have my life as compensation and just take the miniscule wages of an assistant, and the crap of an executive on stress overload, as my price. From my perspective, my seat on the bus is the better one. But that’s just me… I like life better than work. And I don’t see my work as my life. And I’m drifting way off topic.
Kerry and Ken are those rare breeds of bosses that actually let their assistants help shape the ideas, designs, projects and final products. I often lamented that I let Ken slip through my fingers… he wanted to hire me, came just shy of begging me to stay. But I was already committed to going overseas as a missionary. Being Mormon, he had a deep respect for that calling on my life, so he let it alone. Once overseas, I desperately missed all that Ken was and begged God for another chance at working with him one day. When I came back last year, I met his assistant and quit asking God for that. Ken has THE MOST incredible assistant. She is perfect for him in every way. And I would never deny him the blessing of her, just to satisfy my own selfish desires. So instead I started praying for another boss like Ken….
Now I have Kerry.
But there’s a twist to this particular story that I don’t think I’ll get into here, because this post is too long as it is. I’ll sum my dilemma up by repeating what I told Kat last night: “I have a real problem with organizations that mix Christianity and politics. It’s not that I don’t think Christians should be politically active. It’s that I don’t agree with Christians using the external forces of politics to shape culture when what Jesus calls us to be is Soul Revolutionaries: shaping culture from the inside out. Change the laws and you just have strict laws which the people resent (and if you don’t think the people resent the morals-based voting take a look here or here as a couple of examples). However, change people’s hearts and what they value and you’ll actually shape culture. From the inside out. The way Jesus did.”
I’ll address this issue more in a future post….
For now, however, let me just meditate on a small revelation that came as I typed the last couple of paragraphs…. I asked God for another Ken… and got Kerry. God’s kept the doors to all other jobs resolutely closed at the moment. Frustratingly closed. CMT didn’t ever call back. I’ve applied at EMI three times now. Thomas Nelson could plaster their walls with my resume. I’ve applied for so many jobs. Even temp agencies aren’t calling back. Do I have “Loser” stamped in invisible ink on my resume or something????
Or… is God doing something here, something He’s choosing to keep a little hidden from me at the moment?
Sure wish I knew.
In the meantime, I’m still a Workin’ Girl. Grateful to God for the income — it doesn’t cover all my bills, but it sure helps keep me outa the po’house. And grateful for the boss. It’s nice to be respected for the intelligence and creativity I bring to the table.
But, really. Who are we kidding… Who can resist my delightful charms!
…why are you laughing?
Oh.my.gosh. I am definitely tired. Daniel just came into my office and asked if I had a phone book. I asked, “what kind of phone book?” He said, “any kind.”
My answer?
pause. “Uh… No.” pause. “I don’t have any.”
Duh. And the reason I asked what kind…? Stallin’ for time. Proof positive my brain is working even when I’m still asleep. It was smart enough to stall so I could have a few more seconds to figure out what in the heck Daniel was talkin’ about. “A phone wha…??”
Yeah, I’m awake.
Jeez… this is gonna be a fun day…
PS — My excuse: I was at the office till 10pm last night. And then I couldn’t shut my brain off, so I didn’t fall asleep until after 3am.
Okay, I admit it. I’m still at work… and I should be working. But I’ve had a crazy day — I still have yet to start on the day’s main, and only, project. It got moved back, and back, and back…. because of a couple of media calls that came in. Mmm-mmm-mmm… drama, drama, drama… I’m tellin’ ya. I thought I’d escaped the producer melodrama thing by moving to Nashville. Nope. News producers can be just as over-the-top ranting as TV producers. Drama, drama, drama…
Anyway… now I don’t want to do anything. BUT I need to. Hence, my body still in my office, while my mind wanders the vastness of my imagination…
Ah, yes. Back to the reason for this post. My fingers did a little wandering of their own, and found this fun little quiz. Seems my number is 5, yes, 5.
Nooo, that is NOT my age — though it IS my shoe size!! Hee-hee! Nya-nya to all you bigfeet out there! — it’s also NOT my IQ, despite my behavior in this post. It’s:
“My Number” (insert dramatic music, with lots of “ooo”s and “aaahhh”s from the audience).
Yep. Nailed again. How do they do that???
“It’s not about you.”
It’s the latest mantra of western Christians. I suppose it could be credited it to the well-meaning, well-spoken words of Rick Warren in his book, “Purpose Driven Life”. However, I think we in the Body of Christ have come to misuse and abuse this saying. It’s become a stick we beat people with instead of an encouragement to build people up, and help them refocus their lives on God’s purpose for them.
I heard it again tonight. Well meant, I’m sure. But completely misused and, in part, abusive. It felt like a complete slap in the face. As if all that God had been revealing to me, all that God has been doing in my heart and soul over the last two years is a lie. That I am being selfish and self-centered to even want God to care about me or about my “trials”.
The Truth I’ve come to find in God’s Word, and in my own experience with Him over the last couple of years, is that it IS about me. It really IS. About. ME.
God is so very in love with me. With me of all people! His life, His existence, His focus is all about showing me just how truly, madly, deeply He loves me, how He strongly He longs to have an intimate divinely sweet relationship with me, how He wants nothing more than to pour out into me all the love and grace and mercy and gentleness and kindness and joy and so much more that He has… to pour all that He is and has into me every second of the day, how He has so many mysteries and secrets and passions He is desperate to share with me. From the moment I wake up to the moment I wake the following morning and round again, I am on His mind. I am the focus of His attention. I am the apple of His eye.
Think of that! WE are on His mind, the Creator of the Universe thinks of nothing but US every second of every minute of every day of every month of every year forever.
Why do you think Jesus suffered the brutal death He did? For me. To give me Life.
Yes, yes, I know… He didn’t come just for me… or did He?
What is it we Christians always say to those we are leading to Christ? “Even if you were the only person on earth, Jesus would still have died for you.”
Why is it okay to say that to others and not to believe it ourselves? If I were the only person on earth Jesus would still have died for me. THAT’S how much He loves me.
I think we don’t really believe that line we feed our potential “converts”. We believe it for, and about, them at that moment. But not for and about ourselves. And once a person commits their lives to Christ, we do a bait-and-switch and tell them “its not about you, it’s about them.” As if now that God has us, He no longer cares about our wants, needs, hurts, desires, longings.
So wrong. So very wrong.
Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son… Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. — Eph 1:4-6, 11-12 (The Message)
“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! — Jesus (Matt 7:9-11)
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me. — Song of Songs 7:10
WooHoo My favorite show is back for another season! Trivial news to you, perhaps. But given that I have four of the previous seven seasons on dvd, you could kinda say I’m a bit of a fanatic. I even named my car “Col. O’Neill” after one of the lead characters. It’s an old, cranky man that doesn’t follow orders, complains a lot, but has a wicked sense of humor and is usually right, just like the “other” Col O’Neill (“two Ls, there’s another Col. O’Neil, with only one L… He has no sense of humor.”).
SCI FI OPENS THE ‘GATES’ TO MORE ADVENTURES
…SG-1 Ties for Longest-Running Sci-Fi Drama
In response to overwhelming viewer demand, SCI FI Channel has ordered a new season of its highest-rated and most successful original series, Stargate SG-1, from MGM Television Entertainment. Production on a new 20-episode season is set to begin in March 2005 for summer premiere on SCI FI.As Stargate SG-1 returns for an astounding ninth original season, it ties The X-Files as the longest-running sci-fi drama series on American television. MGM is currently in negotiations with the original cast for their return.
New episodes of SG-1 return in January 2005.