Monthly Archives: August 2004

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Passion

You ever feel like there’s so much stuff in your head that it’s all just one big jumbled mess? Lordy, I need my mind defragged. Clean up all the partially deleted crap and consolidate everything in more orderly…. something…

Last night I had a great evening getting to know some new friends, Jason and Cully. God just keeps blessing me with new people in my path. These two are gems! Incredibly talented and passionate people. Jason’s working on a worship cd and a follow up project, both of which really stirred my soul. I don’t care if he never pays me, I’d work for him forever for free — if I could afford it — just to be a part of this upcoming project. I offered… we’ll see if he takes the bait. I sure hope so!

Since last night, so many thoughts have been zooming around my brain so fast that I can’t hardly catch up with them. Most of these revolve around the risk of freelancing for some of Jason’s friends in the music business (if they’ll have me) and working Starbuck’s-type jobs to fill in the financial gap versuses the stability of finding a regular, full time job. Do I live on the edge, or settle for boredom and security? And if I choose the edge, will God continue to provide?

Passion. Jason is following his. Leading worship is where he feels most alive. I feel the same about mixing for worship and being involved in coordinating worship events. Just like with coming here to Nashville, the more I think about what he’s doing, the more I want to be involved in it… somehow….

Life on the edge calls to me. But my fear has me temporarily frozen…. What if I fall? Will God catch me?

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Beauty In The Tumult

A great thunderstorm is sliding through Hendersonville as I type.The rain is pounding hard on the roof. Just a moment ago one lightning bolt struck so close we lost power for a moment. Cool. šŸ™‚

I love thunderstorms! I love everything about them. The sounds of thunder and rain. The flickers of the lightning — especially at night when they light up the whole sky. The smell of the earth after a good rain. Here in Tennessee often after a rain a mist will rise off the rivers, lakes and ponds. It’s so beautiful!

Isn’t it amazing how something so tumultuous as a thunderstorm can bring such beauty into life?

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Square Peg, Round Hole

I don’t fit in here. I don’t know where I do fit. I wish I did.

Last night we had our second “Gathering” in Centenial Park. Most of the team was there… minus the Shanklin’s, who’ve gone back to Indiana to pack, Tim who’s in Indiana working on a plan to come back — and Jared and Noni, whom I’m hoping and praying real hard will come out. So, okay, not everyone was there. But most of us were. And we had two other girls and two new guys.

I tried to fit in, I really did. But I’m not in college, like the girls and one of the guys, or working with college kids, like Mike and his roommates. I’m not an artist, or in any form “artsy” like Brian, Josh, Tim, Jared, Noni and Jamie. Nor am I a mom, like Dawn and Elizabeth. And I’m certianly not the extrovert people magnet Jamie is. Where do I fit? Where do I find people like me here in Nashville? Older, single, no kids, with a career goal of following Jesus no matter the cost…?

I cried most of the way home. I miss my life group in LA. I miss Cassie, and her enveloping hugs. I miss Debbie, and the depth of her spirit. I miss Wendy and the depth of her love. Her heart is such rich soil! I miss Kat. I just miss all of Kat! šŸ™‚ I miss Ron and Leticia… and… just getting lost in Mosaic. In the worship, in the atmosphere… I miss being anonymous in my comfort zone. I can be anonymous here, but it just ain’t anywhere near my comfort zone — and if you’ve ever been to a “southern” church and also to Mosaic, you understand what I mean!

Here there’s no where to hide. Not in Mosaic, anyway. But yet, even though I stand in the light exposed, I can’t find the little hole labeled “Lu’s hole”. I’m too square to fit in the round artsy holes where the rest of the team resides, and too round to fit in the square holes where the churches here all reside.

I feel like I’m back in high school, sitting on the theatre steps, wishing I was either cool enough to fit in with the hip crowd, or funky enough to fit in with actors and other artists, rather than sitting there alone in all my weirdness eating my pb&j….

No matter how far we get from graduation, we always end up back at the lunch tables. Weird.

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Love Yourself…?

I checked out a church in Brentwood that’s only been around for a year. I was told the pastor used to be at Christ Church (a HUGE church here in Nashville) but left there to start this new community a few miles away.

It was interesting. There was a pretty good sized crowd, but not a really huge one. The music was good — though I only caught the last couple songs, ’cause of course I was late. — Hey, when you start something at 9:30am and it’ll take me about a half hour to get there, just count on it, I’ll be late. And early riser I’m not.

Anyway, the pastor was pretty good. He was casually dressed and sat on a stool most of the time. Those of you from Mosaic will recognize the format. šŸ™‚ I really liked his talked, until his last point. Then he lost me.

He was focusing on 2 Corinkthians 8, which is kinda funny to me, since I’ve been in 2 Corinthians during my alone times with Jesus the last couple of weeks. Paul was talking about giving the church at Corinth a chance to prove that their love is sincere by giving to the church in Jeruselem what they had promised to give a year prior. Stan, the pastor, talked about how God gives to us in abundance all that we need (see chapter nine for more on this) and that God Himself loves to lavish His creation with gifts. And that God longs for us to be like Him. Stan also talked about how our motive for giving to others who are in need should not be to be seen or known for our “generosity”; that our generosity proves out the sencerity of our love — for God and for others.

Okay, I’m with him so far. But then he took this radical left turn…. and lost me. He started in on how we can’t just go from loving God to loving and giving to others. He said there’s a vital step that many miss… and that’s learning to love ourselves. And by the time he was done he was focusing more about learning to accept the love of God and love ourselves the way He loves us, than he was on being generous with our lives and spending ourselves for the cause of Christ.

Now, I agree that part of becoming a generous person is recognizing how deeply and richly God loves us. Before we can spend ourselves for a cause, we need to know that our Source will not fail us, not run dry or just run out on us. But honestly, when people begin focusing on loving ourselves, it just creeps me out. Maybe it’s the phrase “love yourself”, or maybe it’s because I can find nothing in the Bible that says we need to learn how to do that. I see lots of places, however, where it seems to me to imply, infer, or even flat out state that we have no problem doing that. Jesus didn’t make a big deal of it when he said, “love others as you love yourself.” He just said it. “Love God. Love others — as you love yourself.”

So, does that me that we must love ourselves before we can love others? Or does that mean that we love others as we are loving ourselves. Kinda like you clean the kitchen as you do the dishes… or do you clean the kitchen first, then do the dishes…?

This is one that always gets me all messed up. Perhaps that’s why I just don’t dwell on it much. But in the conversations I had with people the last few weeks, it seems to be a theme in the lives of people here in Nashville. At least for some. And it’s a huge theme for this church I went to. In fact, their motto is: “Love God. Love Yourself. Love Others.” Hmmm….. that sounds rather backwords to me.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think we should never take care of ourselves or make sure our needs are met. I just don’t think NOT loving ourselves is really an issue in today’s world. We make sure we get a showever every day, right? Make sure we get food when our stomaches growls — even if it growls for quite some time, we still make sure we fed. And when someone steps on our “rights” or over our “boundaries” we’re usually pretty quick to tell them. You want proof? What was your reaction to the last person who cut you off on the freeway…? šŸ™‚

I often wonder, and sometimes am convinced, that people are just using the “I’m learning to love myself” or “I need to love/take care of myself first” card as an excuse for their stingyness and spiritual lethargy.

I really believe Jesus was saying that we should love others as we are loving ourselves…. not just like we love ourselves, but as we learn how to accept and believe His unbelievable, unfailing, unconditional and unending love for us. As we see that our Source will never fail us, never run dry, never run out on us, we will be too full of love to contain it.

I just don’t want to focus on loving myself. I want to focus on loving others with the unending resevoir of love Jesus drenches me in every day. If I’m psychologically unsound, so be it.

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Trafficking in Hope

Well, I think the phone call place might be a bust…. I just think I can get better for the same price. But the neighborhood was really cool…. a really wooded, residential kind of place.

What am I sayin… a really wooded place??? Good grief, I think Tennessee is made up of nothing BUT trees. I think you’d be hard pressed in this city to find even 50 yards without a tree! If the northwest ever feels like it’s going bald, they can just come here and grab a few trees from Nashville. I don’t think anyone would even notice their missing.

I did find a couple of other potential places, and I think I made a potential new friend at one of the places I went. We talked a lot about moving from place to place and how we ended up in Nashville — she came from Denver by way of Miami…. so I guess my story didn’t sound so weird to her as it does to others. šŸ™‚

I did put down a deposit and app fee on one place. But I’m not completely sure its the right choice. It’s $50/mo more than the highest I’d planned to spend. Hmm…. just don’t know what to do. Don’t you just wish sometimes God would send you His answers/ideas/… heck I’d settle for a, “that sounds okay” message — via FedEx? Man, I do. Especially right now.

Oh, yeah, about the title of this post. I named this blog “A Voice of Hope” because, well, that’s been the theme of my life for the past couple of years. Have you ever found themes running through your life/relationship with Jesus? You know, where everything you learn and experience can all be traced back to these themes?

For me, one of the major themes over the last few years has been hope. Now, I’m not talking about that fluffy, ethyrial “out there” thing the church has bottled and convinced us is hope. I’m talking about God-hope. The gritty, messy, aching, longing stuff. The hope a pregnant mom feels in the 9th month, when her back is killing her, her ankles are swollen and she’s tired of not being able to see her feet, but excited to see her new baby. The hope a child feels when Christmas is just close enough to touch and taste, but still far enough away that it feels like YEARS before she’ll get to open the presents. That’s God-hope. Its the stuff that both fills you with excited anticipation and an overwhelming ache, joy that “it’s” coming and sorrow that “it” is not yet here.

I love God-hope. It drives me crazy. It drives me to tears. It drives me to my knees, in pain and in worship.

It’s what I live with every single day. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Following Jesus is a most amazing adventure. But you have to be willing to pay a price in sweat and tears, and get paid a daily wage in God-hope.

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5th Gear or Park

My friend Jamie, as he says, lives life in either 5th gear or park. He’s either all the way in, or all the way out; going full throttle, or at a dead standstill.

That kinda describes me right now too. Except that I can go from 5th gear to park in 3 seconds flat.

For example, yesterday I was in 5th gear. Going full throttle, from apartment complex to apartment complex looking for a place to live and meeting new people along the way. Then had dinner with new friends (thanks, Spence, for the connection! Shayne and Michelle are waayyy cool!!), and went home to study the apartment guides and my map some more (oh, yeah, and see the Dodger whup the Braves. Go Dodger Blue!). I only turned the lights out and surrendered to sleep when the apartment guide smacked me in the face ’cause I’d fallen asleep reading it.

Today, I’m in park. And I can’t think of a single way to get out of it. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I got up late…. well, late for Casa de Ferguson – this family is a crazy group of early risers! Me, I’d rather stay in bed till 11am, maybe even noon, and then stay up till the sun rises again… ah, the pull of the Bohemian life is strong, and my heart and will are weak….

At any rate, here I sit, still up in Hendersonville, when I should be down near Brentwood or Bellevue scouting affordable housing. How does one kick one’s self in the a–… um… butt… to get it in gear? Especially when one’s legs aren’t all that long to begin with. And, while I’m still quite flexible, I’m not nearly as much so as I was in high school, when I worked out with the gymnastics team.

Well, now…. I guess God decided to kick me in the butt for me. I just got a call from someone who’s got a duplex I wanted to look at yesterday. Funny how He works these things out… yeah, it could just be coincidence that my phone rang just as I was writing about bein’ in park…. but there’s just no fun in thinking about it that way, is there.

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The Beginning… Sort Of

The first post of the first blog of the new adventure.

I’m sitting at Panera’s, finishing up my Chai and watching the rain pour down. It looks like God just took a full bucket and dumped on top of Nashville. Could life get more perfect?

Well, yeah, actually it could. šŸ™‚ I could have a job, that would make it more perfect. And a place to live, that would even be better…. odd how I think a place to live is better than a job, isn’t it. Guess this unemployment-just-hangin’-with-my-friends stuff is really growing on me. Ah, but alas, money makes the world go ’round… at least so think the bill collectors. So a job I must get. And soon!

John’s parents are being very gracious and allowing me to take up space in their home. But I don’t want to overstay my welcome. And I’d really like to stop living out of my suitcase and car. It’d be so nice to actually spread out my stuff and be able to leave it where it is instead of packing it back up each time I use it. Besides, I haven’t seen all my own belongings in over a year. When I finally do get to unpack it all it will feel like Christmas!

However, rent here is more than I was lead to believe. Soooo, I really need a roommate. Or a miracle. I’ll take either one.

Jobs seem to be scarce too. No one but coffee houses and retailers are hiring, and even their positions are limited. Hmmm….

Two Miracles to go, please!

On a more positive note, all this free time is giving me more time to spend with God. Most of that is still spent in pleading for His intervention for a job or apartment, or for His comfort as my heart continues to ache from the gaping hole mom and dad’s deaths have left.

However, more and more I crave to hear from Him; hear His voice calling up through His Word, or suddenly grabbing my attention with a new nugget of Truth from an often-read passage. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Digging into the Word has been a painful and fearful experience for me this past year. I don’t really know why. It’s not that I was running from God. Quite the opposite, I’ve run to Him — into His arms — and hid there most of the year. I guess it’s like when you’re sick. You don’t want to eat, you just want comfort.

Now that I’m feeling somewhat better, I’m realizing how famished I am. And I’m ready to eat. Ready for a feast. Bring it on, Jesus!